Navigating the Anxious-Avoidant Dynamic in Couples
As a relationship therapist, I often work with couples where one partner has an anxious attachment style and the other partner has an avoidant attachment style. This anxious-avoidant attachment dynamic can bring up complex intricacies and dynamics that impact their relationship, communication, and sense of security with each other. One partner’s pull for closeness may lead the other to withdraw and push for space, and vice versa, one partner’s need for distance may intensify anxiety in the other and increase reassurance-seeking. Conflict, tension, and deep relational wounds may start to surface. Below, I explore this challenging cycle and give some practical strategies to help you navigate this dynamic and build more security together.
People often wonder — Are We Doomed?
I think the short answer to that is no, couples with the anxious-avoidant dynamic are not doomed. If you both work on understanding how your attachment styles and past relationship histories impact your current dynamic and work on creating shifts in the patterns of the ways you relate to your self and others, you can create healthier patterns and dynamics overall and ultimately have a more secure, loving relationship.
I provide an overview of the 4 attachment styles in another article, but I’ll review the anxious and avoidant attachment styles below.
The Anxiously-Attached Partner
The anxiously-attached partner is often one who often worries things like, “Does my partner really love me? Am I too much for them? Will they leave me?” They might not have had others who consistently provided comfort and support when they were growing up, so may lack the skills to self-soothe and regulate on their own when they are facing emotional distress. They might have a tendency to seek reassurance and comfort from their partner, wanting to be reminded of their love and care.
In their childhoods, they might have had parents/caregivers who met their needs some of the time, but not always. This inconsistency made them unsure of whether others would really be there for them or if others could be counted upon. They learned that they need to work hard to maintain closeness, and start get anxious when they perceive others pulling away or creating distance.
Anxiously-attached individuals tend to have a strong fear of abandonment and do anything they can to keep others close, such as seeking reassurance and closeness from their partners.
The Avoidantly-Attached Partner
This partner has a different story. The avoidantly-attached partner tends to have thoughts like, “Is this person smothering me? Am I losing myself? It’s easier to do things alone and be on my own.” They, too, had parents/caregivers who were generally not available to meet their physical or emotional needs. They responded by developing a strong sense of independence and self-reliance, saying to themself, “Fine, I don’t need others anyways. I can only count on myself.”
They might have had a parent who was over-bearing, where enmeshment or porous boundaries were present. Perhaps there was little space for healthy emotional processing, and caregivers may have had little emotional availability to soothe their own emotions or the emotions of the child. Thus, as an adult, the avoidantly-attached may find emotional intimacy overwhelming in general, and prefer to retreat to an inner sanctuary.
When others display intense emotions or seek closeness or emotional intimacy from them, the avoidantly-attached may start to feel overwhelmed, and use withdrawal or avoidance as a strategy to pull away in an attempt to self-soothe and regulate. Their deepest fear is engulfment or self-abandonment. They fear having to give up their own needs in order to meet the needs of others. As a solution, they think, “I need to stay firm in myself, or else I will lose myself and my autonomy.”
What Happens When These Two Date Each Other?
Somehow, these two are often drawn to each other (we often unconsciously recreate patterns that may have been present in early childhood – not because we like it, but because it feels familiar.) When Anxious and Avoidant partners date, their attachment wounds may start to showcase. There may be heightened emotions, reactions to triggers, push/pull behaviours, all in attempt to manage deeply overwhelming feelings of relational discomfort in the best ways they know how.
It can be frustrating. One partner’s behaviour may be a trigger for the other person, which causes them to engage in a behaviour that is a trigger for the other person. For instance, if the anxious partner perceives the other partner pulling away, they may start to seek more reassurance and closeness, which can be a trigger for the avoidant partner, who starts to feel overwhelmed and may withdraw even more. What a challenging cycle! Some refer to this type of cycle as a Relationship Loop of Doom (but, like I said, you are not doomed.) There are ways to break out of the anxious-avoidant cycle, and start to build more secure relational patterns.
So…. What Do We Do About It?
Couples often ask me, “So what do we do? Can we overcome this?” The short answer is yes, but it’s not as easy as that. The first step is for both partners to work on developing a more secure relationship to themselves first, and then building new patterns of connection and security together. Dating someone with a different attachment style than you is a great opportunity to learn more about your own attachment style and a chance to undo some entrenched attachment behaviours.
Solutions for the Anxious Partner: Developing Self-Security
For the Anxiously-Attached Partner, this means developing skills like independence, being okay with being alone, being able to self-soothe when distressed, and tolerating some amount of distance. You will need to work on giving your Avoidant Partner space – which, I know, is a really hard thing to do – it’s connected to your deepest fear. But ultimately, in order to be in relationship with others, you’ll need to be able to tolerate some amount of space without fear of losing the relationship (or yourself) entirely. Here are some suggestions of things below to work on:
Self-Soothing Practices
Develop personal coping strategies such as deep breathing, journaling, or engaging in hobbies that ground you and help you tolerate distressing emotions, so that you aren’t relying solely on your partner to give you reassurance when you feel upset.
Recognize and challenge thoughts that say, “They don’t care about me” or “I’m going to be abandoned” and work on reminding yourself “I am here for me” “I can be present with my own emotions and self.
Building a Sense of Self Outside the Relationship
Foster friendships, personal goals, and interests that provide fulfillment beyond your partner.
Engage in hobbies, interests, and self-care activities outside of your relationship.
Slowing Down Emotional Responses
Before reacting to perceived distance, take a moment to pause and reflect.
Ask yourself: “Is this a real threat, or is my attachment system being activated? Am I reacting to my partner, or am I being triggered by past attachment wounds? What can I do to calm myself in this moment and pause before responding?”
Practicing Secure Communication
Express your needs directly instead of using blame or passive-aggressive language.
Instead of saying, “You never care about me,” try: “I feel disconnected and would love to spend some quality time together.”
Solutions for the Avoidant Partner: Learning to Open Up
For the Avoidantly-Attached Partner, it means working on trusting others to be there for you. This is a big risk, because you probably have mountains of evidence from the past that lead to you say, “When I trust others to be there for me, they have fallen through and let me down. Why bother trying again?” Here are some strategies below to help things go differently:
1. Recognizing Avoidant Triggers
Pay attention to moments when you feel the urge to pull away — this might signal discomfort with emotional closeness rather than an actual need for space.
Explore what you might need to help you stay present with your partner and yourself during emotional discomfort (maybe engaging in something grounding, calming, or self-soothing).
2. Building Tolerance for Emotional Discomfort
If your partner expresses distress, resist the urge to shut down or pull away.
Practice ‘being with’ emotional discomfort in small doses, and staying present with your feelings and your partner.
Work on acknowledging, naming, and validating feelings:
Your own feelings: “This feels overwhelming. I notice the urge to pull away.”
Your partner’s feelings: “I hear you. That sounds really hard.”
3. Communicating Boundaries Instead of Withdrawing
Instead of disappearing emotionally or physically without warning, verbalize your need for space in a way that reassures your partner.
Be clear about how much time or space you might need, and commit to a time to come back to the discussion.
Example: “I’m going to go for a 30 minute walk to recharge, but I love you and will check in after that.”
4. Leaning Into Vulnerability
Practice small acts of emotional sharing, such as talking about your day, your feelings, or your worries.
Remind yourself that closeness doesn’t mean losing independence — it strengthens the relationship.
For Both Partners: Creating a Secure Relationship Together
The anxious-avoidant dynamic can feel frustrating, but with self-awareness, intentional effort, and mutual respect, both partners can cultivate a more secure, loving connection. It’s about understanding your own attachment patterns as well as your partner’s — and how these interact together. It’s about finding and trying new ways to connect that break from old patterns.
1. Understand the Attachment Dance
Recognize that your differences are not personal attacks but deeply ingrained patterns from past relational wounds.
Commit to learning about each other’s attachment styles with compassion and curiosity.
Ask yourself, “What was going for me just then? What triggered me? What do I need? How am I interpreting my partner’s behaviours and how can we explore it together?”
Ask your partner, “What was happening for you? What stories are coming up for you? How can I be helpful to you?”
2. Develop Rituals of Connection
Regular check-ins, scheduled quality time, or simple daily rituals (like a goodnight text or a morning hug) can help build security.
3. Work on a Shared Language
Identify phrases that make each partner feel safe. For example:
Anxious partner: “I appreciate when you let me know when you need space.”
Avoidant partner: “It helps when you trust that I care, even when I’m quiet.”
4. Practice Co-Regulation AND Self-Regulation
When tensions arise, use grounding techniques together, such as slow breathing, deep hugs, holding hands, or making eye contact to foster connection.
Also work on using self-soothing techniques in heated moments (taking a breath, pause, going for a walk, etc.)
Finding a balance between supporting yourself and supporting your partner is key.
5. Seek Support When Needed
Working with a therapist can help each of you understand your attachment patterns and come up with new strategies to try in order to relate in a more compassionate, loving, and secure way.
Final Thoughts
Overall, it’s about each partner remembering that although our partners may trigger us in the same way that early relationships did – they are different people. It’s about giving yourself the chance to experience a new dynamic with someone, and begin to integrate new beliefs.
Eventually, an Anxious Partner might start to say, “As scary as it is, I can tolerate giving my partner some space because I know I’m okay on my own.” And the Avoidant Partner might start to say, “As risky as it is, I can give and receive care freely. There is space for both our needs to co-exist in this relationship.”
In essence, with time, practice, and (loads of!) patience, both partners can start to develop more secure attachment.
A great place to work on this is in therapy (either in individual counselling or couples counselling). I love chatting about how attachment styles impact relationship dynamics, so if you are interested in working on the anxious-avoidant dynamic in your partnership, feel free to reach out or book an appointment online.
