Understanding Attachment Styles
You might have heard about attachment styles and have tried to figure out which one you most relate to. Attachment styles are a way of conceptualizing the patterns in the way we relate to others. Attachment styles were first studied by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth in the 1950s during research that looked at relational patterns between children and their caregivers, and how they impact our relationships later in life. Attachment styles have since become an extremely useful tool in counselling and psychology to help people further understand themselves and their relationships.
As a relationship therapist, I often have clients wondering about attachment styles and trying to make sense of how they relate to their own relationships. In this article, I provide an overview of the 4 different types of attachment styles.
Overview of Attachment Styles
There are 4 attachment styles that vary on levels of anxiety and avoidance. One is secure attachment – the one we are often aiming towards – and the other three are considered insecure attachment styles.
1. Secure Attachment Style - low anxiety and low avoidance
2. Anxious Attachment Style - high anxiety and low avoidance
3. Avoidant Attachment Style - low anxiety and high avoidance
4. Disorganized Attachment Style - high anxiety and high avoidance
Secure Attachment Style
Secure attachment is when someone can give and receive love freely. They trust that others will be there for them, and that they can be there for others. As a child, their caregivers were present, available, and attended to their physical and emotional needs most of the time, or at least showed that they were trying to meet the child’s needs. As an adult, someone with a secure attachment has a healthy balance between relying on others and being independent. They believe that others care about them and that they are worthy of being cared for. Adults with secure attachment are confident in their ability to cope with their emotions.
Common Traits of Secure Attachment Style
Gives and receives love easily
Comfortable with space and intimacy
Communicates feelings and needs well with others
Manages conflict well
Believes that others care about them and will be there for them
Interdependent (has a healthy balance of supporting others and being supported)
Anxious Attachment Style
Anxious attachment style is one of the three insecure attachment patterns and is also referred to as anxious-preoccupied. Someone with an anxious attachment style might be preoccupied with worrying about whether others can be there for them, meet their needs, and love them as much as they do. As a child, the anxiously attached might have had parents that met their needs some of the time, but not always. The anxious child might have learned that their needs will only be met if they work hard enough, or if they are ‘perfect’. As an adult, someone with an anxious attachment style might have a hard time believing and trusting that others will be there for them, so they seek a lot of reassurance. When overwhelmed, they may seek closeness to their partner and want to be soothed by others. They might have a hard time understanding and regulating emotions on their own. They ultimately have a fear that others will abandon or leave them, so they do anything to keeps others close.
Common Traits of Anxious Attachment Style
Preoccupied with whether or not others can be there for them
Believes that others will not available when needed
Desire to connect and be close to others
Seeks reassurance from others
Core fear: abandonment
Avoidant Attachment Style
Avoidant attachment style is also known as dismissive-avoidant. Avoidant attachers might be more independent, seek space, and tend to withdraw from others when overwhelmed. As a child, their caregivers were not very present and rarely met their needs, so the child learned that they cannot rely on others to be there for them. As an adult, avoidant attachers may prefer to meet their needs on their own, enjoy their space, and fear being too close to others. When others seek too much closeness or demand too much of their time and attention, avoidant attachers may pull away and withdraw. Their ultimate fear is of engulfment, losing themselves in others, or abandoning their own Self.
Common Traits of Avoidant Attachment Style
Strong need for space
Takes time to process emotions
Strong desire to pull away or withdraw when overwhelmed
Believes that others cannot meet their needs
Not comfortable with depending on others or having others depend on them
May be very independent
Core fear: engulfment or enmeshment (losing self in others), self-abandonment
Disorganized Attachment STYle
Disorganized attachment style is also referred to as fearful-avoidant. Someone with a disorganized attachment style may display traits of both anxious attachment and avoidant attachment. They have high anxiety about whether others can be there for them, as well as high avoidance traits. During childhood, they might have had caregivers that were inconsistent and were the source of fear (including trauma, abuse, or neglect) AND the source of comfort. For example, the parent might be verbally or physically abusive, but also provides them with security, love, and meets their basic needs. It can lead to a very confusing and conflicting state in which someone desires closeness but is also afraid of it. As an adult, people with a disorganized attachment style may demonstrate push-pull behaviours with others.
Common Traits of Disorganized Attachment Style
Confused and fearful of the ones who provide support
Difficulty trusting others
May have history of trauma, abuse, or neglect
High anxiety and avoidance
Fear of rejection
How to figure out your Attachment Style
As you read through the different attachment styles, you may relate to one or several of them. A common misconception about attachment styles is that they are the same across relationships and that they do not change over time. In fact, you can have different attachment styles with different people in your life (for example, you may have a secure attachment with your best friend and an anxious attachment with your partner). And here’s the kicker – your attachment style can change over time. So yes, if you identify with one of the three insecure attachment styles, you can work towards a more secure attachment over time.
To assess your attachment style, there are various quizzes you can do online. Click the button below to view a free online attachment styles quiz. It is not a diagnosis or a formal label, but rather a way of understanding yourself deeper.
If you want to learn more about attachment styles, a great book to help you further understand these patterns is the book: Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller.
Therapy can also be a great avenue to help you further understand and explore your attachment patterns. I work with attachment styles in my counselling practice to help people deepen their understanding of how they relate to others and shift to feeling more secure with themselves and others. Click here to read more about me and my approach.
