8 Things You Can Do To Stop Being a People-Pleaser
In a previous article, I talk about what people-pleasing is and how to recognize it in yourself. As a recovering people-pleaser myself who specializes in working with people-pleasers in my counselling practice, I have picked up a few tips on how to start addressing this pattern. Here are some things you can start doing right away to work on “undoing the people-pleasing pattern.”
1. Practice stating your preferences.
As people-pleasers, we tend to try to not have opinions or preferences, especially if they differ from other people. If your friends are planning a dinner and ask where you want to go, work on actually stating what your preference is.
Instead of saying: “Anything works! I’m good with whatever!”
Try saying: “I would prefer sushi or pizza, but not Thai food.” or “After 7pm works best for me.”
2. Give yourself time before giving a response.
When someone asks for something or makes a request, people-pleasers may tend to say “Yes” right away to a request, more out of habit rather than actually wanting to do the thing. Try giving yourself some buffer time before giving an answer, which can work well when you aren’t ready to say “no” just yet.
Instead of saying: “Yes, I can help with that! Not a problem!”
Try saying: “Hmm… I am not sure if I can do that. Let me think about it and get back to you.”
This gives you time to reflect on your response and actually decide if you can and/or want to do the thing that is being requested of you. It can be easier to come back at a later time and say: “After checking my calendar, I realized I won’t have time for that.”
3. Get better at saying “No.”
People pleasers often give elaborate justifications as to why they cannot do something. We sometimes make up excuses or lie to get out of something, to help ease our own guilt. We often think that the other person needs to really understand why we are saying no in order to justify us saying it. That is not the case. You do not have to further explain your “no” and they don’t have to ‘get it’ in order for them to respect your boundary. No is a complete sentence – it doesn’t require further explanation.
Instead of saying: “I can’t come tonight because I’m not feeling well and my grandma needs me to pick up her groceries and I already told her I would and if I don’t then she won’t make dinner and then she gets hungry and her blood pressure drops.”
Try saying: “No, I can’t tonight, but thanks for the invite!” or “I’ve already got plans, maybe another time.” Or simply, “No.”
4. Get better at tolerating guilt.
People-pleasers are experts at avoiding guilt. People-pleasers may think that the guilt we would feel from letting someone down is completely unbearable, and so we do just about anything to avoid it. This means we might agree to something we don’t want to do, only to feel angry and resentful later on. And yes, guilt is uncomfortable – I’ll give you that – but you’re probably more capable of tolerating it than you think.
Instead of thinking: The guilt from saying no to others is unbearable. Guilt means I am doing something wrong. I have to agree to what others are requesting of me to avoid feeling the guilt.
Try thinking: The guilt I feel is uncomfortable, but it does not mean I am doing something wrong. It means I am doing something new for the first time – I am setting boundaries that needed to be set a long time ago. It would be weirder if I didn’t feel guilty. I can sit with this discomfort. The short-term discomfort of guilt is better than the long-term discomfort of continually agreeing to things I am not okay with and then feeling burnt out and resentful.
5. Learn how to self-soothe.
Along with learning how to tolerate discomfort, people-pleasers will benefit from adding more self-soothing skills to their repertoire.
Some self-soothing strategies:
Taking some deep breaths before responding to others.
Doing something calming after having a hard conversation with someone, like going for a walk or having a cup of tea.
Have a phone call with a friend that supports your people-pleasing journey.
Making sure you get enough food, rest, and exercise.
Speaking to yourself with kindness and compassion: “This is hard stuff. I am figuring it out and doing the best I can. My needs matter too.”
6. Take time to figure out your own wants, needs, and values.
Most of the time, people-pleasers have spent much of their life overly focusing on other’s wants, needs, and desires – and have lost touch with their own. It’s okay if the answer to “What do I want/need?” is “I don’t know” for the first little while. Give yourself time to ask yourself what you want and need and let the answer come to you over time.
Try out new things and ask yourself, “Did I like that? Did I enjoy that? Do I want more or less of that? Do I prefer this or that? Is this important to me? Do I value this?”
It can be a fun and exciting time to rediscover yourself and your interests. It’s natural to feel a bit overwhelmed at first, so start with small things – like how you prefer your coffee, are you a morning person or a night person, what are your favourite foods to eat. Then you can progress to the larger things, like what your ideal day or week looks like, where you want to live, how you want your relationships to look, etc.
7. Read about people-pleasing and boundaries.
There are plenty of books and resources available about people-pleasing. You could start following accounts on Instagram or TikTok that talk about people-pleasing.
Books about People-Pleasing and Boundaries:
Stop People Pleasing and Find Your Power by Hailey Magee
Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself by Nedra Glover Tawwab
Boundary Boss by Terri Cole
Codependent No More by Melody Beattie
Online Blog and Workshops:
Instagram Accounts to Follow:
@haileypaigemagee
@nedratawwab
@terricole
@fittingrightin
@the_peoplepleasing_therapist
8. Connect with a professional.
You can do a lot of work undoing the people-pleasing pattern on your own, but having a professional to help point things out and help you learn new strategies can be very helpful. Look for professionals that specialize in people-pleasing, codependency, or boundaries.
I am one of those professionals that may be able to help! Book a free consult today to see if I can help you with learning to undo your people-pleasing pattern.
