What is People-Pleasing and How to Recognize it in Yourself
People-pleasing is a term that is being used more and more in everyday language and online. A common theme with many of the clients that I work with is that they find themselves putting the needs of others before their own, have difficulty setting boundaries and expressing their needs, and go to great lengths to avoid conflict or disagreements. We call this a ‘people-pleasing’ pattern. Here’s how to identify people-pleasing behaviours and work on shifting out of this pattern.
So What is People-Pleasing?
People-pleasing is a pattern of behaviours in which someone consistently prioritizes the wants and needs of others over their own. People-pleasers may go out of their way to accommodate others, avoid conflict, and diminish their own needs in the process. People-pleasing is not inherently a bad thing, but when it comes at the cost of getting your own needs met and leaves you feeling stressed and burnt out, it can be worth assessing.
How Do I Know If I am a People-Pleaser?
There are several ways to know if you may be a people-pleaser, some signs include:
Constantly putting the needs of others before your own.
Having a hard time saying no to others, even when it's not what you want to do.
Going out of your way to do things for others, even if it’s inconvenient or stressful.
Feeling guilty or anxious when you are unable to please others or meet their needs.
Constantly seeking validation and approval from others.
Having a hard time setting boundaries and sticking to them.
Difficulty asserting yourself and expressing your feelings and needs to others.
Wanting to avoid conflict and confrontation at all costs.
Difficulty identifying your feelings or knowing what you want.
Intense fear of not being liked.
It's important to keep in mind that some people-pleasing behaviours are normal behaviors and it is not considered a disorder. However, if it's negatively impacting your wellbeing or relationships, it may be worth seeking out a professional to explore the impacts of people-pleasing in your life.
Impacts of Being A People-Pleaser
Although there are several positive benefits of being a people-pleaser, including being very agreeable, likeable, and empathetic, it can often come with downsides. Some negative impacts of being a people-pleaser include:
Stress and anxiety: Constantly trying to please others can lead to stress and anxiety, as you may feel you are unable to meet the needs and expectations of others.
Burnout: Going out of your way to please others can lead to physical and emotional exhaustion, known as burnout.
Feelings of anger or resentment: When people-pleasers consistently put their own needs aside for the sake of others and feel unable to ask for their own needs met, it can lead to feelings of anger or resentment that build over time.
Low self-esteem: People-pleasers often base their self-worth on the approval and validation of others. They may feel that they are only valuable or likeable when they are pleasing others. This can lead to feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem. When they are unable to please others, they may feel guilty and blame themselves, which can further contribute to low self-esteem.
Fear of abandonment: People-pleasers may fear that if they don't please others, they will be rejected or abandoned. This fear can cause them to go to great lengths to avoid conflict or disapproval.
Difficulty in ending unhealthy relationships: People-pleasers may have difficulty ending unhealthy relationships, as they may fear rejection or abandonment.
It's important to note that people-pleasing is a learned behaviour and it can be changed with the right tools and support. A therapist can help you identify the underlying causes of your people-pleasing behaviour and provide you with strategies and tools to change it. It may be helpful to seek professional help to learn how to set boundaries, communicate assertively, and prioritize your own needs.
How Do I Stop Being a People-Pleaser?
It takes time to unlearn the people-pleasing patterns you might have developed, but there are some things you can do to start. To work on shifting out of the people-pleasing pattern, here are some things you can try:
Prioritize your own needs: Start paying attention to your own needs and wants, and working on asking for your needs to be met. You can start small. Prioritizing yourself is important to maintain a healthy balance in your relationships.
Learn to say "no": Start by setting boundaries and learning to say "no" to requests or demands that are not in line with your values or that may cause stress or inconvenience. It's important to remember that it's okay to put yourself first and that you have a right to make decisions that are best for you.
Communicate assertively: Learn to communicate your needs and wants in a clear and direct manner. Assertive communication involves expressing yourself honestly and directly, while also respecting the rights and feelings of others.
Practice self-compassion: Learn to be kind, gentle, and understanding towards yourself. This includes being mindful of the way you speak to yourself and letting go of expecting perfection.
Learn to deal with guilt: People-pleasers often feel guilty when they are not able to please others, and do everything they can to avoid the guilt. It's important to recognize that you cannot control how others will react to your decisions, but you can work on being able to tolerate the discomfort of guilt, rather than avoiding it.
Learn self-soothing skills: Learning strategies to help you soothe yourself when you are feeling anxious or guilty will help you make decisions that are in line with your values, and will help you feel more grounded when being assertive or setting boundaries.
Seek professional help: If you find that your people-pleasing habits are causing stress, anxiety, or affecting your wellbeing, it may be helpful to seek professional help. A therapist can help you work through the underlying causes of your people-pleasing behaviour and provide you with strategies and tools to change it.
Changing a long-standing pattern of people-pleasing behaviour may take time, patience, and consistent effort. It's also important to remember that these patterns developed for a reason – likely to keep you safe or help you connect with others in the best way you knew how. It's okay to make mistakes and to not be perfect as you work on shifting away from the people-pleasing pattern.
I work with clients to help them understand their people-pleasing pattern, learn skills to identify and express their needs, and develop confidence in setting effective boundaries.
Book an initial consult today to chat about how people-pleasing has impacted your life and to see if counselling may be helpful for you.
