How to do parts work using Internal Family Systems (IFS)
You might have heard about people doing “parts work” or “inner child work”. In this article, I explain more about what that is and how to do it.
The idea of parts work comes from a therapy approach called Internal Family Systems (IFS). It was developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz, who used to work with families using a systems approach. He saw families as an intricate system, where each person had roles or parts to play within the larger system. He started to apply these concepts to individuals, and saw that individuals had different parts within them that played a role within the system.
We all have multiple parts within us.
A main concept in Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy is that we all have multiple parts within us. For example, you might have a part of you that wants to travel and explore the world (an adventurous part) and a part of you that wants to stay home and stay where things are familiar and predictable (a comfort/stability part).
You might have a wounded part (inner child part) and a part that is trying to protect it from getting hurt again (protector).
We often develop protective parts that attempt to protect the wounded part.
Types of parts (according to IFS)
There are 3 different types of parts, according to Internal Family Systems (IFS). We have exiles, managers, and firefighters.
1. Exile (Wounded part)
inner child part that has been hurt, abandoned, neglected, abused, bullied, etc.
2. Manager (Protective Part)
attempts to prevent pain through people-pleasing, perfectionism, over-achieving, etc.
3. Firefighter (Another protective part)
tries to stop pain through numbing, avoidance, drug or alcohol use, dissociation, sex, gambling, or addictive behaviours
Sometimes, these parts can be in conflict with each other, and it can cause a lot of stress, anxiety, overwhelm, sleepless nights, etc. These parts can get extreme when they are running the show.
The Concept of Self
In addition to our inner parts, IFS talks about the concept of Self — basically, the You that houses all the parts. Self is the judge in the courtroom that hears out all the parts, weighs their concerns, and makes a final decision that takes everything into account. When we are anxious, depressed, stressed, codependent, etc. we are often not being Self-led, but rather, being led by our parts.
I like to think of our parts as passengers on a bus. We don’t necessarily want our inner child taking the wheel and steering the bus for us, but we do want her input on where we should go that day. However, we need an adult, mature, whole version of you — Self — should be the one in charge and driving.
There are no bad parts.
Another main concept in Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy is that there are no bad parts. All parts of you are important, valuable, and have good intentions. Just like little children who get frustrated, if we ignored them or banished them, they would get upset, get louder, and fight to be heard.
So, what do we do with our inner parts?
The idea is to get to know these parts, and start to shift the system so that they are not running the show, but that our Self is in charge. Once we learn how to listen and support our parts with compassion and curiosity, then we can start to work as an integrated whole.
The way we work with parts is to…
1 — Get to know what parts are present.
You can do Parts-Mapping (drawing out all the parts and how they relate to each other)
Ask:
What part of me is showing up right now? What does it want me to know?
How do these parts feel about each other?
Which part is taking the spotlight lately?
2 — Get to know what they want for you and what their fears are.
Ask the parts:
What is it you are trying to do for me? (e.g., maybe they are trying to manage the chaos, prevent abandonment and rejection, get your needs met)
What are you afraid would happen if you weren’t doing this role? (for instance, the part might be afraid that if it wasn’t criticizing you that you would be neglected, dismissed, rejected, ridiculed by others and this would be painful.)
3 — Build a relationship with your parts.
Listen to the parts, acknowledge how they are trying to help, and validate their efforts to try to protect you and minimize your pain. Many of our parts developed in childhood, as a strategy to survive or protect you from something bad.
“I get why you were trying to protect me from that.”
“I can see why you had to take on that role.”
Thank them for how they have tried to help you.
“Thank you for trying to protect me for that.”
It takes time to build a relationship between the parts and your Self.
4 — Help Them Unburden from their roles
It will take time for the parts to unburden from their protective roles
Ask:
“What do you need from me that would let you soften or step back?”
“If you didn’t have to do this role (of protector, manager, inner critic), what else could you be doing?”
Help the part get creative in finding a new role. Maybe your inner child wants to play, get creative, get messy, experiment with something new and not be afraid to make mistakes.
5 — Become Self-led.
Once you’ve separated your parts from your Self, you can start to lead from your Self with curiosity and compassion.
This means that the extreme parts aren’t in charge any more, but they are still part of the system and can still contribute.
The Self can welcome all the parts, but will have more say over which parts are at the forefront.
When you are Self-Led, you might start to feel more calm, creative, and confident.
It might all sound kind of hokey-pokey, but I swear it’s a very useful and helpful approach. Once you starting using IFS, you’ll naturally start to see yourself and your parts, “Part of me feels this way… and part of me feels that way.” It’s a way to acknowledge the natural multiplicity that exists in you. Parts work is very intricate and delicate work that can be very helpful to do with the support of a therapist.
As a counsellor that integrates IFS into my counselling sessions, I help clients get to know their parts better and build a stronger relationship with their Self, so that they can feel more grounded and integrated.
If you are looking for an IFS therapist in Vancouver to explore your inner parts, you are invited to book an initial consult to hear more about this approach and see if it would be right for you.
